It’s All My Fault (Is It Really?)

“ You are a bad daddy! You never give me what I want”

“Mommy, I am so mad. You make me sad!”

Have you ever heard words like this from your children? What do you feel like when you hear them? Many of us in today’s busy world are challenged to work, take care of the household, and look after our children. We are told by the media that we can be super moms and dads by doing everything well, staying in great shape and being financially successful. When faced with our children’s words of disappointment do we feel their words may have some truth? Many parents I have worked with say they feel it is their fault that their children are upset or disappointed. That if only they were better parents their children would be happier. They accept the blame and wonder how they could make it up to their children. I ask these parents if they are hitting their children, they answer no. I ask them if they are yelling or verbally abusive to their their children, again the answer is no. I ask them what they think would make them better parents and the answer is often “ If my child didn’t have temper tantrums and feel sad then I would know I was doing a better job”. When did we learn that children need all of their wishes to come true? Where did we learn to shield our children from their own feelings and disappointment? Does this really prepare them for a healthy life? If we take each tantrum or disappointment as being a failure on our part then we are no longer present to help our children deal in a healthy way with their feelings. We get caught up in our own minds thinking about what we did wrong instead of what our child may be experiencing apart from us. Go through a checklist in your own mind next time you are faced with your child’s disappointment. Be curious about what is happening for them and unless you have caused direct damage assume it has more to do with their experience than your parenting. When we blame ourselves for not being good enough then we focus on ourselves often missing our children’s true experience. When we can feel stronger within we can focus on them, knowing they will feel sad and disappointed sometimes and that is normal and healthy too. We can also let them know that sadness and disappointment are part of life just like happiness and joy.

During this holiday season notice all the love and care you give and if faced with your child’s disappointment, take a step back and in doing so you can notice and help them with their feelings.

Maxine Fisher is a Registered Clinical Counsellor & Accredited Music Therapist working with individuals, children, couples,& families.

You can reach her at 250-686-7582 at victoriafamilycounselling.com