“You Can’t Tell Me What To Do !!! “

(Teen)“You can’t tell me what to do! “ (Adult)“ Oh yes I can” .  Sound familiar? The first thing we need to understand is that this power struggle has been going on forever. It is healthy for our teens to move away from us and develop a sense of independence. The unhealthy part is that often the relationship between parent and teen becomes a battlefield. Mate & Neufeld wrote a book called “Hold Onto Your Kids”. It speaks about how easy it is to lose sight of the quality of the relationship we have with our children. If we lose our temper, if we turn red in the face and meet our children with anger, we lose and they lose even more. Imagine a tug of war with a three year old. Does the adult have a chance of that three year old letting go? Same thing with teens. If we engage with them through threats and anger, they will go to their friends for support and the relationship suffers. We need to ask ourselves what is important to us. Power over our children or connection with our children. If the answer is connection then we need to discover new ways of interacting and change our expectations that things should be the way they were for us growing up.  Our teens are living in a very different world than we grew up in. They have access to materials through the internet that we never dreamed of. They communicate in ways and languages we do not understand. They us acronyms that make no sense to us. They want to keep their devices attached to them and put in secret codes to protect their information. The music they listen to often has disturbing lyrics. So as parents and caregivers we often decide to “lay down the law” and “control the situation” .

Does this work? Probably not. What does happen is an ongoing battle between teens and adults continues. The teen becomes more withdrawn from the parent, and stops sharing thoughts and feelings. We as parents become more frustrated and in any battle for power both sides lose. We tell ourselves that our parents would never have accepted this, and that we need to find a solution. We read books, may consult experts, but still the battle goes on.

How we keep our teens as safe as possible and also develop a healthy loving and open relationship with them? We can start by being available when they come to talk with us. By listening and learning how to keep ourselves calm during turbulent times. By talking with other parents and meeting the parents of your children’s friends. We can ask for help. It does take a village to raise a child and it is up to us to reach out to other parents so that we can keep our teens safe. The more eyes and ears and adults willing to be there for teens the better chance we have of healthy communication and great relationships with our children.

Maxine Fisher M. Ed., MTA, RCC is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who works in private practise with families, children, teens, and adults. Maxine can be reached at 250-686-7582 or victoriafamilycounselling.com