“You Can’t Tell Me What To Do !!! “

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(Teen)“You can’t tell me what to do! “ (Adult)“ Oh yes I can” .  Sound familiar? The first thing we need to understand is that this power struggle has been going on forever. It is healthy for our teens to move away from us and develop a sense of independence. The unhealthy part is that often the relationship between parent and teen becomes a battlefield. Mate & Neufeld wrote a book called “Hold Onto Your Kids”. It speaks about how easy it is to lose sight of the quality of the relationship we have with our children. If we lose our temper, if we turn red in the face and meet our children with anger, we lose and they lose even more. Imagine a tug of war with a three year old. Does the adult have a chance of that three year old letting go? Same thing with teens. If we engage with them through threats and anger, they will go to their friends for support and the relationship suffers. We need to ask ourselves what is important to us. Power over our children or connection with our children. If the answer is connection then we need to discover new ways of interacting and change our expectations that things should be the way they were for us growing up.  Our teens are living in a very different world than we grew up in. They have access to materials through the internet that we never dreamed of. They communicate in ways and languages we do not understand. They us acronyms that make no sense to us. They want to keep their devices attached to them and put in secret codes to protect their information. The music they listen to often has disturbing lyrics. So as parents and caregivers we often decide to “lay down the law” and “control the situation” .

Does this work? Probably not. What does happen is an ongoing battle between teens and adults continues. The teen becomes more withdrawn from the parent, and stops sharing thoughts and feelings. We as parents become more frustrated and in any battle for power both sides lose. We tell ourselves that our parents would never have accepted this, and that we need to find a solution. We read books, may consult experts, but still the battle goes on.

How we keep our teens as safe as possible and also develop a healthy loving and open relationship with them? We can start by being available when they come to talk with us. By listening and learning how to keep ourselves calm during turbulent times. By talking with other parents and meeting the parents of your children’s friends. We can ask for help. It does take a village to raise a child and it is up to us to reach out to other parents so that we can keep our teens safe. The more eyes and ears and adults willing to be there for teens the better chance we have of healthy communication and great relationships with our children.

Maxine Fisher M. Ed., MTA, RCC is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who works in private practise with families, children, teens, and adults. Maxine can be reached at 250-686-7582 or victoriafamilycounselling.com

Music for Life

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“Music can name the unnamable and communicate the unknowable.”
 -Leonard Bernstein

Music therapy, as defined by the Canadian Association for Music Therapy, is the skilful use of music and musical elements by an accredited music therapist to promote, maintain and restore mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. Music has nonverbal, creative, structural and emotional qualities. These are used in the therapeutic relationship to facilitate contact, interaction, self-awareness, learning, self-expression, communication and personal development.

Humans hear and experience sound for the first time in the womb when they hear the mother’s heartbeat, breath and muffled voice. From the moment of birth, loved ones’ voices are recognized through the musicality of their speech.

Most people have been deeply moved by a piece of music during their lives. Songs can be used to create a retrospective road map of those lives. Think back to those songs from childhood, teens, 20s, 30s and onwards; humming a tune can bring back old memories while particular songs are often associated with a person or place. Music is universally accessible to individuals as well as groups of people, and to experience music, one does not have to have formal musical training. Music Therapists bring music to clients to enhance and improve their lives. Music heals, relieves tension and energizes. Singing and playing instruments in a safe environment with others brings joy and a sense of community and allows people to express their feelings. Song lyrics often describe inner thoughts and bring about discussions.

For many years, Music Therapy has been successfully used to assist people who struggle with physical and emotional issues. In one case, music helped a stroke survivor who was unable to speak with words. However, he was able to sing words to familiar songs and even say a few words following the song.

Often, people with dementia (including Alzheimer’s) experience moments of joy and clarity when singing familiar songs. Family members, at times, have joined in song and expressed how relieved they were to see their loved ones having a break from confusion and observed how much more present they were. Using familiar songs, Music Therapy can “facilitate reality orientation and stimulate long and short term memory,” says Music Therapy Association of British Columbia’s Vice-President Kevin Kirkland.

Live music has a different impact than recorded music. Singing a familiar song directly to someone, making eye contact, observing their breathing and matching it with the rhythms in the song, all contribute to bringing that person back into the moment and participating in the basic human interaction of sharing music.

Many people say they cannot sing well or do not have a good voice. One woman, who could only whisper due to an operation on her vocal chords, came to the music group and sang along. Although her voice was barely audible, her joy and enthusiasm while singing was extraordinary. It is not how we sound to others, but how we feel when we sing that brings a song to life. It brings joy to others and us when we join in song.

Some residents always stay in their rooms and do not participate in senior facility events. For these people, a visit to their rooms with the introduction of songs often brings them great joy and inspires them to join the music group, socialize and have fun.

In independent and assisted living, seniors have said they look forward to the music groups. Participants are encouraged to request songs and the members choose from a variety of new and familiar songs. As time goes on, many participants in the group sessions show a strong desire to try instruments they may not have chosen to play during the first few sessions. Learning new skills keeps brains functioning at a higher level. Everyone wants to continue learning and experiencing the best that life can offer.

Music can be shared in many different environments. Home visits allow people to experience the joy of music in their own familiar environments, while being offered opportunities to make choices and express themselves through musical activities specifically designed for them. Some of the seniors I have worked with in their own home have experienced a loss, are dealing with an ongoing illness, have suffered a stroke or have the onset of dementia. Music Therapy sessions offer relief to family and caregivers when they see their loved ones participating in and enjoying music.

For more information call Maxine at 250-686-7582
victoriafamilycounselling.com

Helping Our Children Cope Through Tragedy

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We want to shield our children from sadness and grief. How do we even begin to discuss what we ourselves struggle with? Within the last few years there have been some tragedies that our children were exposed to. Children who have come to see me have talked about the unthinkable, a friend of theirs committing suicide, another passing from a drug overdose and children who never show up again with rumours that they have been shot by family members. Even as adults we are overwhelmed by these traumatic events. What can we say to our children? How do we know when to get them additional support?

Culturally, many of us have learned to hide our own sadness and grief. When our children cry and are sad we want to “cheer them up” and “make things better”. We can start by recognizing sadness and grief are healthy responses to pain & tragedy. Instead of trying to change our own sadness and our children’s sadness we can learn to be with those feelings and sooth ourselves and our children. Virginia Satir a pioneer in family systems therapy said  “We all have the right to feel what we feel when we feel it”. We don’t always like what we feel, but to try to change our healthy responses and feelings often leads to more stress, anxiety and despair.

How do we begin to put these ideas into action? If we are struggling with our own feelings we can get support for ourselves. We can talk to our children about their feelings. Ask them what they feel and tell them it is okay to be sad, to not know the answers, to move through their pain. By learning this at a young age they will be more resilient and able to experience their feelings both sadness and joy and everything in between as they move through life.

Knowing when to seek professional help is important to the well being of your child. If your child is struggling with personal grief due to losing a friend to suicide or death for any reason, professional help is advised. When children show noticeable changes after being exposed to trauma such as:

  • change in appetite
  • nightmares
  • intrusive recurring thoughts
  • fear
  • increased anxiety
  • ongoing crying
  • no expression of feelings at all
  • change in grades
  • not wanting to participate in activities or any changes that you as a parent are concerned about

Then seeking professional support is essential. Talking with a school counsellor or Child and Youth Mental Health is a good first step to discover community resources. If you are considering a counsellor in private practise then what to look for in a counsellor is that the child feels good and comfortable with that person. As well counselling is not regulated in BC so please make certain that any counsellor you choose is either a Registered Clinical Counsellor, A  Registered Social Worker or a Registered Psychologist.

It is possible for us and our children to experience sadness and grief due to these tragedies and over time to gain strength and live vibrant and healthy lives.

Maxine Fisher  M. Ed RCC
victoriafamilycounselling.com
250-686-7582

Change- It’s Guaranteed.

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Happy New Year. It’s that time again…where we evaluate our lives and look at the changes we want to make. Many of us create a list of “resolutions”. Whether it be how we interact with our children, how we take care of our health, or changes we want to make in our relationships with our friends and partners we want something to improve. Change happens no matter what, it is the one thing we can depend on. How can we begin to make changes in the direction that is most meaningful and healthy?

The first step might be to look at what it is we want to change. Is it something about ourselves or is it something about some one else? If it is about another person then we are setting ourselves up for failure. We do not have the power to make someone else act in the way the way we would like them to act, whether it is a child or spouse or parent. We can however respond differently to their actions and by doing so we end up with a different outcome. For example, if our child has a temper tantrum we can learn not to take it personally and the more calm we are the better the chances that our child will be calmer and more able to change their behaviour.

Are we telling ourselves that if only “this” or “that” happened we would be happy? Many years ago I attended a workshop with Dr. David Viscott. I remember him saying that if we are waiting to be happy in the future, then we are missing the present. If we tell ourselves that only if we succeed at something then we can be happy, we are setting ourselves up for failure. An example of this is if we are waiting to meet a partner, to achieve more financial success, to lose weight, fill in the blank then  we are telling ourselves that if this happens then we will feel better and if it does not happen we will feel awful. Healthy change begins from a place of acceptance.

The only possible place to create change is right here, right now, in the present moment. To notice what is happening in ours lives and to start from a place of acceptance. We all have strengths and resources within us. If we are able to first become aware of these in the present moment, if we then experience a gratefulness for the gifts we do possess, we will be more able to change what may not be working in our lives. Imagine a child wanting to meet a challenge. If the child feels confident and hopeful, is aware of their personal strengths then the possibility of meeting that challenge is higher than if they feel that they need to be different to do it. What we tell ourselves, the messages we give ourselves our expectations will either support positive change or keep us stuck wishing for a different outcome. It all begins with being present and really experiencing our strengths.

Maxine Fisher  is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Accredited Music Therapist who works with children, families and adults.

She can be reached at 250-686-7582

victoriafamilycounselling.com

Signs Of Depression In Teens

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As parents and caregivers, we want our teens to develop into strong healthy adults. We want to see them thriving and happy. Everyone goes through challenges and hard times. It can be even more difficult for teens as they navigate the world between childhood and becoming an adult.

There has been a lot of information in the news about depression. This article is about the specific things we already know about how depression looks in teenage years. It is important that we do not ever diagnose depression on our own by using tests that are available on the internet or in books. Instead please use the resources listed at the close of this article.

The following symptoms of teen depression are well researched and described by The Mayo Clinic Staff and The Canadian Mental Health Association.

What to look for:

Emotional changes

Be alert for emotional changes, such as:

  • Feelings of sadness, which can include crying spells for no apparent reason
  • Irritability, frustration or feelings of anger, even over small matters
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
  • Loss of interest in, or conflict with, family and friends
  • Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, fixation on past failures or exaggerated self-blame or self-criticism
  • Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure, and the need for excessive reassurance
  • Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
  • Ongoing sense that life and the future are grim and bleak
  • Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide

  Behavioural changes

Watch for changes in behaviour, such as:

  • Tiredness and loss of energy
  • Insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Changes in appetite, such as decreased appetite and weight loss, or increased cravings for food and weight gain
  • Use of alcohol or drugs
  • Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
  • Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
  • Frequent complaints of unexplained body aches and headaches, which may include frequent visits to the school nurse
  • Poor school performance or frequent absences from school
  • Neglected appearance — such as mismatched clothes and unkempt hair
  • Disruptive or risky behaviour
  • Self-harm, such as cutting, burning, or excessive piercing or tattooing

Research has shown that counselling can be effective in assisting people with depression. There are times when both antidepressants and counselling are effective for helping teens. If you believe your teen may be suffering from depression you can call 811 and speak to a Registered Nurse in BC. You can make an appointment to see a physician. If it is an emergency please go directly to a hospital emergency department. For more information you can also go to  http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/mental_health/teen.htm

The most important thing to remember is that depression is treatable and you as a parent or caregiver can help your teen become more healthy and happy.

Maxine Fisher M. Ed., MTA, RCC is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who works in private practise with families, children and adults. Maxine can be reached at 250-686-7582 or www.victoriafamilycounselling.com

It’s All My Fault (Is It Really?)

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“ You are a bad daddy! You never give me what I want”

“Mommy, I am so mad. You make me sad!”

Have you ever heard words like this from your children? What do you feel like when you hear them? Many of us in today’s busy world are challenged to work, take care of the household, and look after our children. We are told by the media that we can be super moms and dads by doing everything well, staying in great shape and being financially successful. When faced with our children’s words of disappointment do we feel their words may have some truth? Many parents I have worked with say they feel it is their fault that their children are upset or disappointed. That if only they were better parents their children would be happier. They accept the blame and wonder how they could make it up to their children. I ask these parents if they are hitting their children, they answer no. I ask them if they are yelling or verbally abusive to their their children, again the answer is no. I ask them what they think would make them better parents and the answer is often “ If my child didn’t have temper tantrums and feel sad then I would know I was doing a better job”. When did we learn that children need all of their wishes to come true? Where did we learn to shield our children from their own feelings and disappointment? Does this really prepare them for a healthy life? If we take each tantrum or disappointment as being a failure on our part then we are no longer present to help our children deal in a healthy way with their feelings. We get caught up in our own minds thinking about what we did wrong instead of what our child may be experiencing apart from us. Go through a checklist in your own mind next time you are faced with your child’s disappointment. Be curious about what is happening for them and unless you have caused direct damage assume it has more to do with their experience than your parenting. When we blame ourselves for not being good enough then we focus on ourselves often missing our children’s true experience. When we can feel stronger within we can focus on them, knowing they will feel sad and disappointed sometimes and that is normal and healthy too. We can also let them know that sadness and disappointment are part of life just like happiness and joy.

During this holiday season notice all the love and care you give and if faced with your child’s disappointment, take a step back and in doing so you can notice and help them with their feelings.

Maxine Fisher is a Registered Clinical Counsellor & Accredited Music Therapist working with individuals, children, couples,& families.

You can reach her at 250-686-7582 at victoriafamilycounselling.com