Helping Our Children Cope Through Tragedy

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We want to shield our children from sadness and grief. How do we even begin to discuss what we ourselves struggle with? Within the last few years there have been some tragedies that our children were exposed to. Children who have come to see me have talked about the unthinkable, a friend of theirs committing suicide, another passing from a drug overdose and children who never show up again with rumours that they have been shot by family members. Even as adults we are overwhelmed by these traumatic events. What can we say to our children? How do we know when to get them additional support?

Culturally, many of us have learned to hide our own sadness and grief. When our children cry and are sad we want to “cheer them up” and “make things better”. We can start by recognizing sadness and grief are healthy responses to pain & tragedy. Instead of trying to change our own sadness and our children’s sadness we can learn to be with those feelings and sooth ourselves and our children. Virginia Satir a pioneer in family systems therapy said  “We all have the right to feel what we feel when we feel it”. We don’t always like what we feel, but to try to change our healthy responses and feelings often leads to more stress, anxiety and despair.

How do we begin to put these ideas into action? If we are struggling with our own feelings we can get support for ourselves. We can talk to our children about their feelings. Ask them what they feel and tell them it is okay to be sad, to not know the answers, to move through their pain. By learning this at a young age they will be more resilient and able to experience their feelings both sadness and joy and everything in between as they move through life.

Knowing when to seek professional help is important to the well being of your child. If your child is struggling with personal grief due to losing a friend to suicide or death for any reason, professional help is advised. When children show noticeable changes after being exposed to trauma such as:

  • change in appetite
  • nightmares
  • intrusive recurring thoughts
  • fear
  • increased anxiety
  • ongoing crying
  • no expression of feelings at all
  • change in grades
  • not wanting to participate in activities or any changes that you as a parent are concerned about

Then seeking professional support is essential. Talking with a school counsellor or Child and Youth Mental Health is a good first step to discover community resources. If you are considering a counsellor in private practise then what to look for in a counsellor is that the child feels good and comfortable with that person. As well counselling is not regulated in BC so please make certain that any counsellor you choose is either a Registered Clinical Counsellor, A  Registered Social Worker or a Registered Psychologist.

It is possible for us and our children to experience sadness and grief due to these tragedies and over time to gain strength and live vibrant and healthy lives.

Maxine Fisher  M. Ed RCC
victoriafamilycounselling.com
250-686-7582